As I mentioned last week, my dose just went up to the full .5 each week. .3 caused a lot of changes, really fast, and I was a bit hesitant to increase the dose just yet, but fuck it.
I realized throughout Saturday and Sunday that the T hadn’t been effecting my mood too terribly much, until then. Saturday evening I went out to Blow Pony, one of the many queer dance nights in this town of plenty. The friend I was meeting there ended up leaving within 15 minutes. I should probably explain that I am a classic introvert, and have pretty intense social anxiety when I am alone in crowds. That said, she leaves and I am all of a sudden by my lonesome in a sea of hundreds of sweaty, hot queers. Oof… I see this couple walk by and both of them caught my lusty little eye until I realized it was my ex’s bestie and her girlfriend.
I haven’t talked much about my ex, R, on here, but we split up maybe two or three weeks before I started T. He still doesnt know, or at least I don’t mean for him to. The breakup was messy. The whole relationship was. I love him deeply, still, but we both have pretty intense trauma/abuse histories, both had some low moments together, and then he up and left one night, screaming at me from down the street that he was never speaking to me again. He still hasn’t.
I tried talking to him while we were together about how I really didn’t identify as a woman, how I wanted top surgery, etc. He is also trans and was the first partner, the first person really, that I ever thought I could talk to and have them get it. Instead, he seemed uninterested with the topic. I think in some way he needed to own trans in our relationship. He often “forgot” and called me ‘pretty’ despite the fact that he knew how disgusting that word made me feel. Twice, while we were fucking, I let him know that I really wasn’t into him messing with my chest right then and his response was, “I’m not doing it for you, it’s for me.”
So anyways, his best friend walked past with her girlfriend, the one R stayed with after he left. My mind went alight with just about every emotion all at once. Grief (still), anger, discomfort, impudence… I felt both cornered and heated as fuck, so I left.
It stuck with me though, and Sunday was absolute hell. I was pissed about every damn thing imaginable and unfortunately Sundays are a work day for me. I don’t even remember what I did that night. Maybe I went to the bar? I seriously don’t know, I just remember that I hated everything.
By Tuesday, I had mellowed out a fair bit and went to an FTM peer support group here in town for the first time. It was awesome to meet with folks ranging in age from 15 or so on up into their 60s or maybe 70s. Guys from all different walks, each transitioning in their own way. Some of us went out for drinks after. It was so normalizing to be out, in the world, discussing transition with people you weren’t having to explain it all to. With folks who weren’t scandalized by conversation about trans dick. Folks to whom you are neither novelty or curiosity.
Wednesday I hung out with my coworker/friend L. We drank beers, ate steak, and eventually she got drunk enough for me to decide to go home (I wondered if she was maybe trying to, ahem, get me to stay over. Who knows, my radar is glitchy). She is loud (uniquely, wildly so), usually completely inappropriate, not in the least ‘PC,’ and yet she is one of the only people I hang out with right now who really just treats me like one of the guys. I never asked her to use male pronouns but she does anyways whenever we’re not at work. She just doesn’t use pronouns for me at all at work and I am both amazed and grateful. She refers to me as ‘this guy.’ Notices and compliments my muscle growth. I was showing her a pic of 20 year old, very femmey me and she cursed me for, in her words, “being hotter than me as a chick and a dude.”
Its really fucking nice to have a friend, however crazy, that seems to really see you and who says all the right things.
As far as body changes, my stache is still filling in. There is a new patch of thick, dark hair growing on the back of my calves. The acne continues. My BO has gone fucking wild. If I thought I couldn’t skip showers a couple weeks ago, it is even less of an option now. I smell… like a man. Best way to describe it. The skunky bite seems to have gone and it is nothing but overwhelmingly masculine smelling now. Its not too bad an aroma when it isn’t full strength or when it’s cut with deodorant. But damn. Damn. My bits have stopped doing anything exciting, and it almost seems smaller this week. My libido, however, is starting to rear it’s impatient little head. Just in time for short shorts weather. Fuck, i need to get laid. That is a terrible, horrible, tasteless way to put it. I should be ashamed, and yet… My muscle growth has done little, but given that I skipped two workouts this week and have been eating like a teenage boy it’s no real surprise. My ass and hips are still shrinking. And my chest, just a bit. Woo hoo!
I do believe that’s all I’ve got for now. Have a great week kids. Here’s to me not roiding out again this weekend! 🙂
TrannyRedneck 